The Little Mermaid

Written by Ken Marcus

Narrated by Grace Marcus

Once upon a time, there was a Little Mermaid. She loved to swim in the ocean and sing songs with all the other creatures of the sea. The Little Mermaid had the most beautiful voice in all the seven seas. All of the fish, dolphins, crabs and even mollusk just loved to hear her sing, particularly her originals. She did this sort of alt-country, indie pop thing. Different, but still radio-friendly. Wait, what were we talking about again?

Right, right. The fairy tale. The Little Mermaid lived with her father, the Sea King and her five older sisters. And she was strictly forbidden by her father from visiting the surface world, until she was older. The Little Mermaid would often hear her older sisters describe a world above the sea, inhabited by something called “human beings.” They were strange, clumsy creatures with two legs who were into curious activities like finding gold and getting into wars.

Once she turned sixteen, the Little Mermaid was allowed to swim to the surface and see the world above for herself. Kind of a terrible birthday present, but there you have it. Sure enough, on the day of her sixteenth birthday, the Little Mermaid swam to the surface and saw a large, wooden ship with white sails and many cannons. The Little Mermaid had never seen such a peculiar sight, so she swam closer to get a better look.

On the ship, there was a birthday party for a handsome, young Prince. (It seems they both shared the same birthday. Not really relevant, but a weird coincidence in this story nevertheless.) The Little Mermaid fell in love with the Prince instantly. Without even speaking to him or even looking at his online dating profile. (Hello, they didn’t have apps back then.) Not really a great idea if you think about it, but this sort of thing happened all the time in fairy tales. In all fairness, the Prince did have excellent hair. So yes, Little Mermaid was smitten by the Prince and wanted desperately to live with him on the surface world.

She didn’t have much time to question the wisdom in all of this, because, suddenly, a massive thunderstorm swept in with great gusts of wind and terrible lightening. Huge waves rose and crashed upon the Prince’s wooden ship, capsizing almost instantly. The Little Mermaid braved the terrible waves and soon found the Prince, who had been knocked unconscious. She swam the Prince to a nearby shore, saving his life and his weirdly-still-excellent hair.

The Little Mermaid stayed with the Prince until he regained consciousness. When he finally did awake, he never did see who rescued him. Because the Little Mermaid swam away, embarrassed of what she looked like. You know, the fish tail and all. Which should tell you right there, this really isn’t the right foot, um…fin, to start a healthy relationship on. Being ashamed of who you are or what you look like, just to impress someone? Warning bells! That’s all we’re saying.

The Little Mermaid soon returned to her undersea home and her family. But she couldn’t forget the party on the wooden ship or the handsome prince with the excellent hair. Night after night, she longed to be a human and live happily ever after with the Prince. Who, we’ll point out once again, she’s never actually spoken to.

But the Little Mermaid had an idea. She had heard stories from her sisters of a Sea Witch who could grant wishes. So the Little Mermaid ventured to the deepest, most dangerous part of the ocean. Into a dark, subterranean cave, where she found the terrifying Sea Witch. She was over twenty feet long, with a long, serpent’s tail. After hearing the Little Mermaid’s story, the Sea Witch agreed to help the Little Mermaid, but on one condition. She would give the Little Mermaid legs so she could live on the surface world. But only in exchange for the Little Mermaid’s beautiful voice.

On top of that, the Sea Witch told her that once she becomes human, she will never be able to return to the sea or her family ever again. And she must get the Prince to fall in love with her or she will be turned into sea foam forever. Kind of a raw deal, but that was the bargain. Which was totally “on brand” for the Sea Witch. The Little Mermaid quickly agreed. Because she was very much in love, and as we mentioned, this was a fairy tale. That’s how these things went. The Sea Witch gave her a vial of magic potion in return for her promise. The Little Mermaid took the potion and, soon enough, grew very sleepy.

After some time, the Little Mermaid awakened on land near the Prince’s castle with two human legs, but without her beautiful voice. She was unable to sing or even speak for that matter! On top of that, the Little Mermaid had trouble walking with these two awkward, new appendages below her waist. It was all terribly upsetting.

The Little Mermaid was soon found by the Prince, who just, um, happened to be walking by. The Prince was instantly mesmerized by this strange, beautiful woman. Without even having a decent conversation or anything. Because…fairy tales. We’ll also mention, the Prince did not know that it was the Little Mermaid who had saved him from the terrible storm. And thanks to the Sea Witch, the Little Mermaid couldn’t speak. So she wasn’t much help in clearing this whole matter up.

The Prince soon took the Little Mermaid to his castle to meet his parents, the King and Queen of the land. But as it turns out, they wanted the Prince to marry a Princess from a neighboring kingdom. Can you believe that? This was called an arranged marriage. People had no say in who they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. This happened, like, all the time back then, if you happened to be a prince or princess. And to the Little Mermaid’s horror, the Prince seemed surprisingly cool with whole arranged marriage thing.

The wedding day soon arrived. Guests from all over both kingdoms arrived to celebrate the new, happy royal couple. There was so much food and the biggest cake you’ve even seen. The Prince and the neighboring Princess were to be married on a huge wooden sailboat. Not the one that sunk. But another huge ship. Guess the Prince’s parents were pretty much loaded.

Now our Little Mermaid was, of course, terribly sad. She thought about everything she had sacrificed for this stupid Prince and his stupid, excellent hair. And now, the Little Mermaid was about to be turned to sea foam of all things, thanks to her bargain with the Sea Witch. Worst of all, she had to spend the rest of her short life sitting through this boring wedding and eat this terrible-tasting food from something called a buffet.

As if right on cue, the Sea Witch appeared alongside the ship.

“Hello, my dear. Did you by chance, get the Prince to fall in love with you?” she asked with a wry smile. The Little Mermaid shook her head quietly: “No.”

“I suppose I must turn you into sea foam now,” said the Sea Witch. “After all, a deal’s a deal.”

The Little Mermaid nodded sadly in agreement.

“Or maybe, just maybe, we could all learn something from this whole, regrettable affair,” said the Sea Witch with a gleam in her eye. “This, my dear, is what you would call a teachable moment.” We could learn to never surrender who we are or what we love to do…for anyone. And if someone can’t accept who you really are, inside and out, then they simply aren’t worth your time. Trust me honey, I made the same mistake years ago,” said the Sea Witch wistfully while gazing at her long serpent’s tail.

Suddenly, the Sea Witch uncorked a small vial, giving the Little Mermaid back both her voice and her tail. The Little Mermaid was so happy to feel and sound like herself once again, she did a backwards somersault into the ocean. But not before knocking over the wedding cake with a flip of her tail.

“Later, losers!” she sang in the most brilliant voice you’ve ever heard, then diving enthusiastically into the ocean towards her home.

While this wasn’t a particularly great ending to a fairy tale, it was actually a pretty good beginning to the rest of the Little Mermaid’s life. From that day forward, she put who she was and what she loved to do, above everything else. And anyone else. And that’s all the Little Mermaid really needed to live happily ever after.