Rumpelstiltskin
Written by Sara Kuhs
Narrated by Devin Heatley
Once upon a time in a bustling kingdom not too far from here, there lived a poor old man and his very smart daughter, Isabelle. Izzy, as she liked to be called, had graduated from a renowned university and made a good enough living to support her father and pay for the apartment that they shared. Her father was proud of her and often told tales of her investment and money-making skills at the local pub. On one such occasion the young king happened to be walking by and heard the old man.
The king interrupted, “Your daughter sounds amazing. Is she truly so skilled at earning gold?”
“Your majesty!” the man exclaimed. “My daughter could make gold out of STRAW, that’s how smart she is.”
The king spoke, “I should like to see this. Bring your daughter to the castle tomorrow for a demonstration.”
Now the old man was a bit nervous as he rushed home to tell his daughter. And indeed, Izzy was a bit worried herself. “Straw into gold? How am I to do that?” she thought. But she kept thinking about it late into the night, and the next day in the king’s throne room, she opened her laptop and confidently presented her idea.
“You see, Sire, more and more people are realizing that plastic straws are bad for the environment. So, now is the perfect time to invest in a company that makes metal straws,” she explained. “The stock is sure to go up.”
The king was very interested. “Straws into gold, very clever, indeed. Make it so.”
Izzy got on her laptop and bought the stock and… nothing happened. The king began to grumble.
“Stocks do take a little time, Your Majesty. We just need to be patient.”
Well, patience was not a virtue that the king possessed. He had Izzy and her computer locked in a chamber and gave her one night to produce some gold or else be locked in the dungeon forever.
Izzy paced the chamber, trying to think of a solution. Suddenly, a wretched little man appeared from a small door she hadn’t noticed before. The little man spoke, his voice like oil and sandpaper, “What seems to be the problem, my dear?”
She explained the sticky situation she was in and the little man smiled wickedly. “Perhaps I can help. If I turn those straws into gold tonight, what will you give me?”
Now, Izzy was fairly certain that the grizzled little creature had no idea what the stock market was, much less how it worked, but being ever polite, she humored him. “Whatever you ask for, Mister… I’m sorry, what’s your name?”
But he ignored her as he was already on her laptop, typing furiously. As the night wore on, the little man never stopped typing and soon Izzy fell asleep to the tip tappy tap of the laptop. She awoke to a loud knocking at the door, and stood up just as the king and his advisors burst into the room.
The king shouted, “Where is my gold?!”
She began to explain how the economy and the stock market actually worked, but his advisor cut her off, turning the laptop toward them. “It’s right here, Your Majesty.”
Indeed, the stock had magically jumped over night, and it was now worth 100 times what they bought it for. The king was delighted, running out of the room, leaving Izzy stunned and confused. Just then, she heard a familiar screechy voice. “I did what you asked, now you must do my bidding.”
She turned to see the horrid little man with a nasty smile on his face. “What is your price, Mister… I’m sorry, I never did catch your name.”
He simply replied, “Your hand in marriage is what you owe.”
Izzy was horrified. She didn’t want to go back on the deal—that wasn’t her style—but she felt the price was far too steep. “Look, not everyone needs to get married. Can’t we just be, like, really good friends?”
The little creature was set on marriage, but he also had an enormous ego and considered himself exceptionally clever. “I’ll give you one chance to outfox me, as unlikely as that may be. Guess my name before three days pass, or else we’ll marry on the third day’s eve.”
With that, he disappeared, and Izzy left the castle, her mind churning over possible names. “Rusty, he looks like a Rusty,” she thought. “Or maybe a trendy name like Traydon, Asher or Braxton. Could it be something unusual, like Leslie or Oswald or Kash?”
As she strolled down the cobbled streets, she kept thinking and thinking, and walking and walking. When she finally looked up, she was in a part of the kingdom that she had never visited. And who should she see but the wretched little man who would soon be her boo. On a whim, Izzy decided to follow him.
She followed him down one alley and then another, through the dark streets, until he went through a glass door. She entered furtively and immediately realized where they were. A coffee shop. She slid into a seat, hiding behind the hipsters writing poetry on their laptops. She watched as the little man ordered and waited for his drink.
The barista came over to the counter and shouted out. “Caramel Macchiato for Rampleton-stin? Um…Rumstintan? Is it…Plumplefunskin?”
The little man looked equal parts enraged and puzzled as he reached for his cup. “Seriously? Rumpelstiltskin is my name. Is it really that hard?”
He turned, shaking his head, and froze when he saw Izzy standing there. “Mr. Rumpelstiltskin, is it?” she smiled. “I’ve learned your name, now our deal is off!”
Finding himself outsmarted, Rumpelstiltskin flew into a rage, spilling coffee on his shirt and knocking over a display of travel mugs before running off into some dark corner of the kingdom. Izzy triumphantly returned to her apartment where her father promised to tone down his bragging. She went on to start her own business giving great financial advice to all the deserving folks in her part of the kingdom, where they all lived happily ever after.