La Bella Durmiente

Written by Dave Gibson

Narrated by Bethany Novak 

A long, long time ago, nestled in a valley of rolling hills that resembled the curves of a mariachi’s guitar, there was a magnificent kingdom called…San Antonio.

And although this kingdom was more than likely far, far away from where you live (depending on where you live), you could smell its pleasant aroma on the wind from miles and miles away. That’s because the residents of San Antonio were master chefs.

And their favorite cuisine was Tex-Mex. The kingdom’s ruler, King Rodrigo Ninfa, was known all across the land for perfecting recipes for the most mouth-watering tortillas, burritos, enchiladas, flautas, and sopapillas you’ve ever had the pleasure of tasting. The kingdom smelled, in a word, delicioso.

But the king’s wife, Lucia, wanted one thing even more than delectable dishes such as these. Even more than queso or chili con carne, she desired a child. So all her prayers were answered one day when the loving couple finally welcomed a baby girl. They named their little princess Briar Rosita Valentina Consuela Isidora Alejandra Ninfa, honoring five generations of Ninfa women. The king and queen were proud parents indeed.

At a banquet to introduce the infant princess to the citizens of San Antonio, twelve good fairies were invited to be her godmothers. There were actually thirteen fairies, mind you. However, the thirteenth fairy, Malcontencia, played guitar in a horrible rock band called Bad Churro and was not welcome to the banquet. That’s because she and her band were believed to be away on tour in Moléville, which was the only town known to appreciate the excruciatingly loud type of music Malcontencia delighted in playing. We recommend you cover your ears while we play this small sample of her music for your reference.

[Music plays: Mariachi death metal!]

So, you can imagine the King and Queen’s surprise when Malcontencia, clearly upset, barged into the castle in the middle of the festivities.

King Rodrigo nearly choked on a hatch green chili pepper as the wicked fairy (who smelled faintly of burnt toast) stormed in, interrupting the gifts that the other fairy godmothers were bestowing upon the sweet princess.

“Oh, pardon me. Please do continue,” she said sourly.

The fairy Juana, who had just granted her the gift of keen intellect, moved away from the cradle, allowing the fairy Gloria to bestow her gift:

“Oh sweet princess, I give you the gift of expert musicianship, so you’ll be able to master any instrument you choose.”

And she gave the sweet princess a kiss on the forehead. Of course, as any intelligent young person knows, hard work and practice is what really makes any musician great. And as you’ll soon find out, Briar Rosita was destined to become a great musician indeed.

The third fairy, Maria Guadalupe, had not yet revealed her gift when Malcontencia rudely disrupted the festivities and granted her cruel and vengeful gift. Well, it was actually more of a curse – that on princess Briar Rosita’s fifteenth birthday, she would lose her guitar pick inside the hole of her acoustic guitar…and die.

It was a lucky thing then, that Maria Guadalupe had not yet granted her wish. For although she was unable to undo Malcontencia’s magic entirely, the good fairy cast a spell to make the curse less severe. Instead of the princess dying when she lost her pick, she would fall into a deep slumber until someone was able to rescue her by playing that famous old Beethoven song everyone knows and loves, but which no one can actually remember the name. For your personal reference, it’s called Für Elise.

And so the King ordered that every acoustic and flamenco guitar be destroyed in a great bonfire in the kingdom’s town square. Except for one, which the princess would be allowed to play until her fifteenth birthday, or quinceañera. However, to be safe, the king commanded that its hole be sealed, which, if you know anything about guitars, tremendously mutes their sound – which means, it sounds a little like talking with your hand covering your mouth.

Nevertheless, the young princess Briar Rosita still grew to be a most impressive guitarist and vocalist, as evidenced by this very old 8-track recording we recently discovered.

[Lively strumming on acoustic guitar]

Impressive, isn’t it?

Being the fiercely independent young woman she was, the princess even started her own band called Rad Quinceañera, her own recording company, and even a fashion label to design the t-shirts she sold to her adoring fans.

Across the land, Rad Quinceañera played sold-out shows to thousands of screaming young boys who bawled their eyes out as they sang along.

Her biggest fan was a Prince from the nearby province of San Marcos, and he was always in the front row mouthing the lyrics to all her songs.

This enraged the bad fairy Malcontencia more than ever.

“That meddlesome princess!” said Malcontencia. “Her irritatingly lovable band has forced all my songs off the pop charts and reduced what little record sales I’ve had. The only place people still play my music is in torture chambers.”

So Malcontencia devised a wicked plan to smuggle a hollow-bodied acoustic guitar with a gaping hole into the kingdom. On the eve of her fifteenth birthday, the fairy disguised herself as a piñata maker and hid the guitar inside a giant guitar piñata, which no one would of course suspect of containing an actual guitar. This trickery made Malcontencia gleefully snicker and snort to herself.

Late that very night, the fiendish fairy took the piñata to the tallest tower in the kingdom and began playing the most hypnotic melody you ever did hear – which means, if you enjoy a catchy tune, this one would easily have you humming along.

Sometime before midnight, the young princess awakened, entranced by the beautiful song. Hypnotized by each gently plucked guitar note, she followed its melody up, up into the tower. There, she found the piñata maker delicately strumming the acoustic guitar, the melody ringing out from its hollow interior.

“That’s the most gorgeous sounding guitar I’ve ever heard,” Briar Rosita whispered politely.

“Would you like to play it?” the piñata maker asked.

“Well…I’m really not supposed to,” replied the princess. But the piñata maker gave her a deep, hypnotic stare, willing her to give in and take the guitar.

“Come now, what’s the harm? I promise not to tell a soul,” the piñata maker said.

And as if she had been placed in a trance, the princess took the guitar, and began to play.

But only a few notes into her performance, Briar Rosita dropped her pick into the hole.

It tumbled down, down under the strings and into the blackness and, seconds later, bounced with a barely audible clack, where it echoed deep within the cavernous guitar. The princess, realizing her mistake at once, frantically turned the guitar upside down and began to shake it, attempting to free the pick.

But once a pick is lost inside a guitar, it can never be recovered. And so the princess Briar Rosita fell deep, deep into a hundred year slumber.

The good fairy Maria Guadalupe awoke at the stroke of midnight, hearing the last note being played.

“Oh no, something terrible has happened,” she whispered to herself. And she flew as fast as her wings could carry her to the top of the tower. But alas, she was too late. Princess Briar Rosita was already fast asleep, and the fairy watched Malcontencia escape from the window, her wicked cackle echoing into the dark, stormy night.

The fairy, knowing how upset everyone would be about what happened, decided to cast a spell which placed everyone in the kingdom into a deep sleep as well.

Then, she took the acoustic guitar and flew to the home of the young prince, waking him from his sleep. She told him of Malcontencia’s curse, and that to rescue the princess, he must learn that famous old Beethoven song, the name of which she was currently unable to recall.

However, because all the guitars in the kingdom had been destroyed fifteen years earlier, it would certainly be a difficult task to master, for no young person had ever taken a proper guitar lesson. The prince was madly in love with the princess, so he picked up the guitar and agreed to try his very best. And so, for what felt like weeks and weeks, they began learning to play Furry Lisa…I mean…Fur Liza…uh, the Beethoven song.

Little did they know, but as the prince practiced, they were being watched by one of Malcontencia’s groupies—which are trolls who follow musical bands around and tinker with their instruments.

The groupie snickered to himself as he raced away to tell his master of the fairy and prince’s plan to awaken Briar Rosita. Upon hearing the news, the evil fairy Malcontencia wasted no time and dashed off to thwart the plotting pair.

Upon reaching the prince’s kingdom, she raced straight up to his chamber and, without even knocking - as any polite guest would do, crashed through the door. Over her head she raised one flaming fire-filled flan, which is normally a delicious dessert to be savored. But this flan was currently being wielded as a deadly weapon, and Malcontencia hurled it at the prince, barely missing him as it exploded against his Rad Quinceñeara poster. The prince grabbed the guitar and hurried away from the room with Maria Guadalupe as they narrowly escaped from the kingdom and deep into the forest. Infuriated, Malcontencia sent her groupies off to the princess’s tower, ordering them to stand guard and make sure the prince could never save her.

Into the far reaches of the dense forest, the prince and fairy ran and ran until they stumbled upon one of the king’s old, abandoned storage sheds where he kept unused taco carriages, an early form of the taco truck.

That night, they slept a long and dreamless slumber. The next morning, the prince continued practicing on his guitar.

The fairy clapped along to provide a beat, but they both quickly realized his inability to stay in rhythm. His fingers were also not very dexterous, which is to say that he had difficulty quickly moving from one note to the next, resulting in very long, boring versions of every song he attempted to play.

“Stick with it. You can do this!” the good fairy reassured him. And finally, he felt that he had gotten good enough on the guitar to brave returning to the castle. So, disguised as taqueros, or taco makers, Maria Guadalupe and the prince traveled by taco carriage back to their kingdom. There, they cleverly distracted the troll groupies with tacos pescado, which are fish tacos, and incidentally the favorite tacos of the author of this story.

As the troll groupies fought over the extra corn tortillas, Maria Guadalupe and the prince tiptoed up the stairs to the chamber at the very top where the princess still slept. The prince positioned his guitar in his lap and began playing, um, the Beethoven song. But he only made it to the seventh note before he hit…a bad note.

The princess stirred, but remained sleeping.

Meanwhile, the troll groupies had heard the guitar sounds and raced off to warn Malcontencia.

Up in the tower, the prince squinted his eyes and tried to play the song once more, but again, his fingers fumbled and he became even more discouraged.

“Take a deep breath,” reassured Maria Guadalupe. “It’s all up to you.”

At that moment, they heard the chains break that they had used to lock the tower doors, and Malcontencia and her groupies came rushing up the stairs. Floor by floor, their hooting and chortling grew louder and louder. The prince tried once more, and again he could not play the first part of the song without making mistakes. The door to the tower chamber rumbled and shook, and in a fiery explosion of wood and steel, it burst open.

Malcontencia led her groupies into the room and watched as the prince gave it one more try. This time the prince used all of his concentration and played the first notes perfectly. He used every ounce of focus to continue playing as he plucked the strings one after another. Briar Rosita was no longer still, but her fingers began to twitch ever so slightly.

And then, just before he played the last part of the melody, the prince hit…a bad note.

Malcontencia rolled her eyes and seized the guitar from the prince.

“Not like that, silly!” she snapped, “Like this!”

And Malcontencia played the most intricate, beautiful flamenco version of the Beethoven song you ever did hear. Probably even better than Beethoven himself, if he would’ve been a flamenco guitarist. And just like that, the princess awakened from her slumber.

“What’s that? Who?” she asked warily as she regained consciousness. The wicked fairy continued to play as the princess, the prince, and Maria Guadalupe listened in awe. It was the most gorgeous, inspired performance they ever heard. Finally, as Malcontencia finished the song, the princess cleared her throat and spoke up.

“Malcontencia, I know we haven’t had the healthiest relationship,” she started. “But, like you, I’m an independent young woman with big dreams who knows what she wants. And, well, right now I very much want you to join my band. Soooo, what do you say?”

Malcontencia was about to erupt in her piercing trademark laughter, but then stopped to ponder the question for a second.

“I suppose we can come to an arrangement.” she shrugged. Which meant quite simply, yes. And so the wicked fairy joined the princess’s band, and the two quickly became besties.

They renamed the wicked fairy’s former band “Bad Churro” to “Rad Churro” and went directly into the studio to record what would be the biggest record ever to come out of the kingdom of San Antonio.

They even invited the prince to play the tambourine on their record, though he was so rhythmically challenged, that they decided to lower the volume of his part in the final mix. And they played happily ever after. El fin. That means “the end.”